The past few days have been difficult ones for the diabetes community. Two beautiful young people were taken way too soon.
A few of us were in a Google+ hangout (a video chat) after #dsma on Wednesday talking about how we were feeling about everything. I couldn’t get what we talked about out of my mind on Thursday.
I don’t know if it is a result of being involved in social media or if people with diabetes outside the online community do this too, but I feel like I spend a lot of time proving to people that diabetes is “no big deal.”
I tell them I can eat whatever I want. I do things that people with diabetes “aren’t supposed to do.” My pump is usually tucked into my pocket and my DexCom on my torso so that if you didn’t know I have diabetes, there would be no external sign. When people ask me about my diabetes management I usually downplay the work that is required to pretend that I have control.
When I hear about another life lost, it reminds me and unfortunately shifts my focus and attitude to how difficult and scary it is to live with diabetes. If a 9th grader can pass away from a stroke or an 18 year old can die in her sleep, what prevents that from happening to me or any of the people I know and love.. It’s frightening.
When I have a low near bedtime I wonder what could happen if it drops lower during the night and I don’t hear my alarms. There are definitely mornings were I have woken up, looked at my receiver, and wondered how I didn’t hear the alarms that should/must have been going off for the previous few hours.
Sometimes diabetes is easy. But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it fits easily into my life. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I know I will live a long and healthy life with diabetes. But sometimes I worry. Sometimes I think that I can do this. But sometimes I can’t.